Dark Humor Quotes

“What I like about Clive is that he is no longer alive. There is a great deal to be said for being dead.”

“I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called 'The Old Game.' You got three old guys with loaded guns, and you ask them questions like, 'What's the state capital of Idaho?' Then whoever gets it wrong, you kill him.”

“I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.”

“What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.”

“It was the day my grandmother exploded.”

“I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children' and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'”

“The family that slays together, stays together.”

“We will all go together when we go. What a comforting fact that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement, yes, we all will go together when we go.”

“Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'”

“My life is a joke. And I'm the only one not laughing.”

“Human cake is my favorite.”

“Some people just needed to be hit with a brick.”

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I'm into, oh I don't know, murders and executions mostly.”

“If you feed a tramp a poisoned éclair, you are not a murderer. You're a failed saint.”

“I have the brain of a German shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy. They're both in my car and I want you to see them.”

“I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”