Joke Quotes

“Tread softly, for you tread on my jokes.”

“I'm a member of the 'Don't-Do-It-Yourself' club.”

“I went to a meeting for Alcoholics Anonymous. I told them I was there because I was a drunk. They made me the president.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places.”

“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”

“Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'”

“I got a raw deal from my parents. They were both only children.”

“I told the taxman I was so poor I had to eat my cat. He said, 'Did you put it on your expenses?' I said, 'No, on a bit of toast'.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.”

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.”

“My shrink told me I have a shopping addiction. I told him I'd buy that.”

“I have a new little dog. I don't know what to name him. I'm thinking about calling him '5 Miles' so I can say I walk 5 miles every day.”

“I have the brain of a German shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy. They're both in my car and I want you to see them.”

“A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

“I've seen a few psychiatrists in my time. The first one said 'What's the problem?'. I said 'I think I'm a pair of curtains'. He said 'Pull yourself together'.”

“He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 3.”

“I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'”