Wendy Liebman

“I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children' and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'”

“I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.”

“My boyfriend and I are breaking up. He wants to get married and I don't want him to.”

“I was a hooker in a past life... a rug hooker.”

“I was the class clown, but I was also the class... I don't know, the one with the big hair.”

“I looked at my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“My husband's a magician. He can turn anything into an argument.”

“My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross my eyes until I was 18.”

“I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.”

“I have a friend who's a kleptomaniac... When she's feeling down, she takes something.”

“I want to have a baby, but I don't want to be a mother. I want to be an aunt.”

“I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but only way off to the side.”