Chris Morris

“It’s been scientifically proven that one in five people is a horse.”

“The one thing that's worse than a pedophile is a whale.”

“You're talking about a man who would milk a cat.”

“We're talking about a made-up drug, cake. It's a big yellow cake... what is it? What does it do?”

“In a world of six billion people, it's a statistical racing certainty that some of them will be mental.”

“People say it's a moral maze, I say it's a moral... A-road.”

“I have seen the future, and it's a bald man from ITV.”

“If you feed a tramp a poisoned éclair, you are not a murderer. You're a failed saint.”

“The idea that you can't laugh at things that are tragic is a very modern and weird one.”

“Terrorism is about ideology, but it's also about crisps.”

“Fact: the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides. That's a fact.”

“The twisted brain of a paedophile is not the same as the twisted brain of a normal person.”

“Rubber dinghy rapids, bro.”

“He's got his own flag, which is a skull and crossbones on a background of more bones.”

“He's got a pint of bitter, a packet of crisps and a rapport with the locals. This man is a genuine phenomenon.”

“This is a man who can incapacitate a lorry driver by talking to him.”

“So from all of us here at The Day Today, good-a-bye.”