Robert Benchley

“I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.”

“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

“The hardest thing in the world to do is to write straight with a crooked quill and a crooked line of thought.”

“I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.”

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”

“The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.”

“The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't.”

“Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.”

“My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.”

“I don't do anything I don't want to do. I'm in a very fortunate position.”

“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”

“There are two classes of travel – first class, and with children.”

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”

“A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.”

“The only thing that I can do better than anyone else is things that I don't have to do.”

“Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him.”

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”