Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter got a tip.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“What a kid I got. I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“I get no respect. No respect at all.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek and they wouldn't even look for me.”

“I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places.”

“I'm so ugly. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”

“My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”

“I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's so many places they could hide.'”