Tommy Cooper

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”

“I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'”

“I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.”

“I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.”

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'”

“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'”

“Just like that!”

“I went to the doctors. He said, 'I'd like you to lie on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I'd like to sweep the floor.'”

“I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.”

“I said to the waiter, 'There's a fly in my soup.' He said, 'Don't worry sir, he won't drink much.'”

“I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.”

“I went to the library. I asked for a book on paranoia. The librarian whispered, 'They're right behind you.'”

“I sleep like a baby. I wake up every two hours and cry.”

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.”

“A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, 'Doctor, I'm a deckchair.' The doctor says, 'Don't worry, just unfold yourself and lie down.'”

“Spoon, Jar, Jar, Spoon.”