Morey Amsterdam

“Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.”

“The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old to do it.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places.”

“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”

“Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recall how often we have told it to the same person?”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

“So you're a little weird? Work it! A little different? OWN it! Better to be a nerd than one of the herd!”

“You should always go to a funeral, otherwise they won't come to yours.”