Les Dawson

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'”

“I was so ugly, the local BUPA hospital had a sign on the door: 'No hawkers, no circulars, and no Les Dawson.'”

“I went to the doctor. He said, 'You've got to stop drinking.' I said, 'Why? Is it my liver?' He said, 'No, you're spilling it.'”

“The wife's mother said, 'When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave.' I said, 'Good. I'm being buried at sea.'”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

“I said to the wife, 'I can't eat this. It's terrible.' She said, 'I'll be back in a minute.' She came back with a big stick and hit me over the head. 'Now it's mince,' she said.”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”

“The wife's a brilliant cook. I mean, yesterday she made a trifle that was so light, it floated out of the window and killed a pigeon.”

“Mother-in-law came round to our house last week. She said, 'I'm not saying your house is dirty, but I wrote my name in the dust on your mantelpiece.' I said, 'I know, I saw it this morning.'”

“My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'”