Anecdote Quotes

“I was in a Hollywood saloon one night and I was making a telephone call. I was not aware that I was being overheard by a man who was also in the telephone booth.”

“I'm often asked, 'What was your favorite prize on The Price Is Right?' I don't have a favorite prize.”

“Both of them were sitting on the bench, and I said, 'You two are just alike. One of you is a right-handed-hitting pitcher who can't pitch, and the other one is a left-handed-hitting pitcher who can't pitch.'”

“This is my new coat. You like it? My wife got it for me. She says it makes me look taller.”

“The first time I met Groucho he said 'Is that your real name or did you make it up on the way over?'”

“A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. 'Much obliged,' said he, pushing the plate aside, 'I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills.'”

“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped but I've been driving that Peugeot for years.”

“I have a nervous breakdown in the supermarket. I scream and start throwing tins of beans. It's a fantastic attention-getter.”

“The last time I saw him he was talking to a psychiatrist. He was on the couch and the psychiatrist was on the floor.”

“Kissing Marilyn Monroe was like kissing Hitler.”

“When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.”

“My parents used to tell me, 'Don't swallow chewing gum, it'll gum up your insides.' I'd think, 'I've been eating plaster for two years, what's a bit of gum going to do?'”

“I'm a big fan of the Foo Fighters. I brought my one-year-old son to their concert when he was one.”

“I was told I had a two-drink minimum, but I'm a lightweight, so I was passed out on the table.”

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'”

“I have a maid called Vaginica. She's from the Philippines.”

“I co-starred with a horse. The horse was top-billed.”

“I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. I don't know why. I was being quiet, I was being respectful... I was naked... but I was quiet.”

“I'm a 'two-lunch' woman.”

“I say, 'The bursar's office is closed.'”