Ron White

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”

“I'm not a role model. I'm a cautionary tale.”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

“I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. I don't know why. I was being quiet, I was being respectful... I was naked... but I was quiet.”

“Diamonds. That'll shut her up. For a minute.”

“I live in a gated community. The gate is to keep me in at night.”

“Other states have 'For Sale' signs. We have 'For Rent' signs. It's just a different level of commitment.”

“I've been married three times. I'm not a great husband. But I'm an excellent ex-husband.”

“I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.”

“You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.”

“They call me 'Tater Salad'.”