Ronnie Corbett

“So I said to the wife, I said, 'I'm going out for a little walk.' She said, 'How long will you be?' I said, 'About 5 foot 1.'”

“And it's goodnight from me... and it's goodnight from him.”

“We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”

“My wife was saying to me, 'For my birthday, I'd like to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen!'”

“The man who invented the zip-fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.”

“It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.”

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”

“The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been.”

“So I went to the butcher's the other day and I said, 'Have you got a sheep's head?' He said, 'No, it's just the way I part my hair'.”