Erma Bombeck

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”

“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“The grass is always greener over the septic tank.”

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”

“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

“A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”