Kevin Nealon

“I'm not a morning person. I don't like mornings. I don't like the word 'morning.' It sounds too much like 'mourning.'”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”

“I'm not a vegetarian, but I've eaten vegetables before.”

“I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I have a smoke detector with a snooze button.”

“My girlfriend is a vegetarian. Which pretty much makes me a vegetarian... by proxy.”

“I went to the gym. I'm not going to lie, it was mostly for the free towel.”

“I'm a big fan of the snooze button. I think it should be on everything.”

“I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?”

“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink.”

“I used to be a daredevil. I used to... I used to dare people to do things.”

“I went to a psychic. She said, 'You're going to be very poor and unhappy.' I said, 'I know that. I want to know about the future.'”

“I'm not good at multitasking. I can't even walk and chew gum at the same time. I have to stop walking to chew.”

“I don't trust people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.”

“I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling from heights.”

“I got my driver's license photo taken. I look like a guy who just killed a man and is trying to look innocent.”

“Some people say I'm a pessimist, but I think things are going to get a lot worse.”