Kevin Nealon

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“I'm not a morning person. I don't like mornings. I don't like the word 'morning.' It sounds too much like 'mourning.'”

“I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I have a smoke detector with a snooze button.”

“I'm a big fan of the snooze button. I think it should be on everything.”

“I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?”

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

“I'm not a vegetarian, but I've eaten vegetables before.”

“I'm not good at multitasking. I can't even walk and chew gum at the same time. I have to stop walking to chew.”

“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink.”

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”

“I don't trust people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.”

“My girlfriend is a vegetarian. Which pretty much makes me a vegetarian... by proxy.”

“I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling from heights.”

“I got my driver's license photo taken. I look like a guy who just killed a man and is trying to look innocent.”

“I used to be a daredevil. I used to... I used to dare people to do things.”

“Some people say I'm a pessimist, but I think things are going to get a lot worse.”

“I went to a psychic. She said, 'You're going to be very poor and unhappy.' I said, 'I know that. I want to know about the future.'”

“I went to the gym. I'm not going to lie, it was mostly for the free towel.”