Joe E. Lewis

“I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“A toast to repeal... and to the boys who made it possible.”

“I'm a practicing alcoholic. I'm trying to get it right.”

“I've been in more laps than a napkin.”

“I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better.”

“I've been on a calendar, but never on time.”

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”

“If you think you have influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.”

“Hollywood is a place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.”

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”

“You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough.”

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

“Show me a man who lives a good life and I'll show you a man with a good wife.”

“I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.”