W. C. Fields

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

“A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.”

“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the decency to thank her.”

“All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.”

“Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”