Joan Rivers

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.”

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there is riddled with holes.”

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

“I have no methods. All I do is observe.”

“Can we talk?”

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why we call it ‘The Present’.”

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.”

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not, and they sent it back and said, 'We don't believe it'.”

“If God wanted us to bend over, he would put diamonds on the floor.”