Will Durst

“California is a great place to live... if you're an orange.”

“Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.”

“Welcome to the first post-racial, post-partisan, post-pastrami America.”

“If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.”

“Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.”

“I'm not a real journalist. I'm a comedian. I'm a satirist. My job is to be an equal opportunity offender.”

“The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.”

“My parents were so poor, we had to watch our neighbors' television.”

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and is considerably easier to write with.”

“My act is a two-hour yell.”

“Politics is show business for ugly people.”

“San Francisco is a city of casual exhibitionism.”

“I'm a bi-partisan ignoramus. I don't know anything about anything.”