Jerry Seinfeld

“Where there's a will, there's a relative.”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'”

“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.”

“Why do they call it a 'building'? It's already built. They should call it 'a built.'”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“The whole object of comedy is to be yourself, and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.”

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which is not nothing, but something - at any time, seems exhausting.”

“A man's T-shirt is a social document.”

“You can be passionate about anything. Pay parking meters with a bounce in your step.”

“Looking at a menu is like looking at a script for a play where you are the star and you haven't studied any of the lines.”

“The IRS is not a branch of the government. They're like the Mafia, but they can take more of your money.”