Alan King

“When you get to my age, you'll really measure your success in life by how many of your children still get in touch with you.”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“As a parent, I have a job and a half: I'm a taxi driver and a bank.”

“A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.”

“I don't mind being 65, but I don't want to be 65 and broke.”

“Marriage is a two-way street, and you're not allowed to drive on either side.”

“If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.”

“My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.”

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?”

“My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.”

“An actor is a guy who, if you ain't talking about him, he ain't listening.”

“The only thing I ever ran for in my life was a train.”

“Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We mimic.”

“We set no styles, we follow the changes.”