Phyllis Diller

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your nursing home.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“The only thing domestic about me is that I was born in this country.”