Elayne Boosler

“What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”

“When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.”

“I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.”

“You can't be a woman and not be a feminist. That's like being a human and not being a humanist.”

“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly. You never see that. A woman with a pot belly is supposed to be pregnant.”

“We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is that someone will win.”

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”

“I was the first woman to have a one-hour special on cable. I did it myself. I paid for it.”

“Men are simpler than you imagine my dear. You have them opening the door for you, paying for dinner. All you have to do is cry in front of them.”

“The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.”

“I'm an optimist. I've always been an optimist. I think that's the only way to be in this business.”