Dylan Moran

“I'm a bloody man. I'm a mammal. I'm a carnivore. I'm a beast of the field. And I will not be told what to do by a melon.”

“Which of the buggers is joining us? The gaggle of geese, the guy with the squint, or the man who eats his own face?”

“I can't stand people. I hate them.”

“What are you doing? This is a bookshop! Not a bleedin' petting zoo!”

“Don't you know any women? They're like men, but not.”

“I want to get old, I want to be a real person. I want to have a story.”

“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”

“The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been.”

“Everybody's a racist. It's the one thing that unites us.”

“I think the whole of mass media is just there to keep everyone from thinking for themselves.”

“This is the thing about men. You can't stand them, but you can't shoot them.”

“I love my children. But I'm not in love with them. I'm not their friend. I'm their father.”

“It’s that classic Irish thing. We don’t know how to be happy.”

“People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out your soul. Rip out your hair. And finally, they will take your shoes.”

“The customer is frequently wrong. And we should be allowed to tell them that.”

“The only advice I can give you is, is to have a good time. And to pay your taxes.”

“Life is a difficult thing. It's a difficult thing to do. And it's a very difficult thing to do well.”

“You’re just a beard with an idiot attached.”