Wilson Mizner

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

“He'd steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.”

“To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady.”

“Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.”

“If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research.”

“I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.”

“Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.”

“A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.”

“The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.”

“When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“A dramatic critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.”

“I've had a tough time of it, but the first hundred years are the worst.”

“Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.”

“Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.”

“The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”

“You're a mouse studying to be a rat.”

“The main work of a trial attorney is to make a jury dislike his client's opponent.”

“A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.”

“Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.”

“Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”