Johnny Carson

“People will pay for anything that enhances their image.”

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”

“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”

“If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”

“Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

“My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.”

“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.”

“Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.”

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

“If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.”

“Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.”