Jasper Carrott

“I hate people who can't make up their minds. Or do I?”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“The wife's mother said, 'When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave.' I said, 'Good. I'm being buried at sea'.”

“A man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

“I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.”

“I saw a sign that said 'Fine for parking'. So I did.”

“My dog's got no nose.' 'How does he smell?' 'Awful!'”

“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”

“My dad used to say, 'Always fight fire with fire,' which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

“The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.”

“You can't have everything... where would you put it?”