Greg Giraldo

“The Republicans have a new healthcare plan: Just die.”

“Beautiful people, you're not that great. You're just a genetic lottery winner.”

“You know what the problem with 'an eye for an eye' is? It leaves everybody blind.”

“I'm half-Irish, half-Spanish. I've got a killer tan and a drinking problem.”

“We're living in a world where the only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and a black president.”

“You can't be a good Catholic and a good comedian. It's against the rules.”

“People say, 'You're so angry.' I'm not angry. I'm just paying attention.”

“The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.”

“I have two kids. They're my reason to live... and my reason to drink heavily.”

“I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.”

“I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I have a smoke detector that needs a new battery and I've been calling it a cricket for three years.”

“I'm an expert at killing my own buzz.”

“I'm like a recovering alcoholic, but my addiction is to being a pompous ass.”

“I think we need to get rid of the penny. I don't know why we still have it. It's like the appendix of our currency.”