David Sedaris

“There's a certain point in life when you have to stop blaming other people for how you feel or the misfortunes in your life. You can't keep pointing the finger.”

“I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm kind of a slob.”

“If you are looking for sympathy, you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”

“I haven't the slightest idea how to live without appointments.”

“All of us are watchers—of television, of time clocks, of our own souls.”

“At the end of a miserable day, instead of beating my head against the wall, I would sit down and write a letter to my friends.”

“I think of my life as a series of footnotes to a vast, unwritten masterpiece.”

“Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to.”

“Like all of my friends, I'm a sucker for a good story.”

“A good name is better than a good face.”

“I'm the sort of person who will half-heartedly watch a movie, but I will never half-heartedly read a book.”

“Whatever idea I have, the second I say it, it's a piece of shit.”

“Most of the arguments I've had with my dog, I've won.”

“I like to imagine a person's psyche to be like a haunted house, with doors and windows that have been boarded up for years.”

“To be a good writer, you not only have to write a great deal but you have to care.”

“School was a waste of time for me. I was a dullard and brought a book to class.”