Yakov Smirnoff

“Here you have 'instant coffee,' 'instant tea,' 'instant breakfast.' In Russia, we had 'instant arrest.'”

“In America, you watch television. In Soviet Russia, television watches you!”

“In Russia, we have only two TV channels. Channel One is propaganda. Channel Two is a KGB officer telling you to turn back to Channel One.”

“In America, you can order a 'Happy Meal.' In Russia, we had 'Maybe Meal.'”

“In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party can always find you.”

“In America, you break the law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you!”

“In America, there are credit cards. In Russia, we had 'pretend cards.' You pretend you have money.”

“I came here to America for freedom of speech. In Russia, we have freedom of speech, but we also have freedom after speech.”

“In Russia, we had a two-party system. You could be a member of the Communist Party, or you could be in jail.”

“The first time I went to a supermarket in America, I was so confused. It said 'produce.' I thought, 'Okay, I'll produce.' So I stood there for a while, but nothing happened.”

“I saw a sign on a store, 'We're open 24 hours.' I thought, 'Who has that kind of time?'”

“America is a great country, but it's a better country when you're a comedian.”

“What a country!”

“The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.”