Totie Fields

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.”

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“I'm in shape. Round is a shape.”

“I'm not overweight. I'm undertall.”

“I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”