Totie Fields

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”

“I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“I'm in shape. Round is a shape.”

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.”

“I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I'm not overweight. I'm undertall.”