Steven Wright

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“What's another word for Thesaurus?”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“I saw a bank that said '24-Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I saw a sign: 'Fine for parking'. So I did.”

“I have a map of the world. It's actual size.”

“If a man says something in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?”

“A friend of mine has a trophy for 14th place.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”