Lewis Grizzard

“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score when you get the opportunity.”

“I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”

“Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

“In the south, 'y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural.”

“Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks.”

“I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.”

“I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.”

“To be a Southerner is to feel sorry for everybody who isn't.”

“Marriage is a lot like the army, everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.”

“Yankees are people who have never eaten boiled peanuts.”

“Never marry a woman who's prettier than you.”

“I know all about cheating. I've had two wives.”

“I grew up in a very small town. Our major export was common sense.”

“I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.”

“You call it 'scrod,' I call it 'bait.'”