Jonathan Katz

“I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.”

“I was the best man at my own wedding.”

“I don't like to be in a situation where I have to be funny. I'd rather be in a situation where I can be funny.”

“I have a friend who's a kleptomaniac... When he's depressed, he takes something.”

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I've finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.”

“I don't think I'm a hypochondriac. I'm just a very well-informed sick person.”

“My son is in the gifted program. It's for kids who are too smart for their own good. They call it 'mainstreaming.'”

“I'm on a new diet. It's called the 'Pinocchio Diet'. I can eat whatever I want, but I can't lie.”