John Kruk

“I ain't an athlete, lady, I'm a baseball player.”

“I'm fat, I'm ugly and I can't run. But I can hit.”

“The only thing I want to be able to do is to be able to stand up when I'm 80.”

“They give you a round bat and they throw you a round ball and they tell you to hit it square.”

“I'm not a home run hitter. I'm a singles hitter with occasional power.”

“My main goal is to be the best beer-leaguer I can be.”

“If I was a horse, I'd be a glue factory.”

“You can't be a vegetarian and eat fish. That's like saying I'm a non-smoker but I only smoke on weekends.”

“I don't got a lot of good habits. I'm a beer-drinking, cigarette-smoking, dip-chewing, loud-mouthed SOB, but I'm a good-hearted SOB.”

“The first time I faced him, I watched him take a few warm-up pitches and I was like, 'Oh my God, I'm going to die.'”

“I'd rather be in a saloon fight than a food fight.”