Jay Leno

“You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”

“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”

“You're not a star until they can spell your name in Karachi.”

“The crime rate has been dropping for years, but the news coverage has been going up. That's because it's a cheap story.”

“I'm not a big fan of the high-tech stuff. I'm a guy who likes to drive.”

“Anything to get a laugh. That's my motto.”

“The average person has eight different jobs in their lifetime. I've been lucky, I've had two.”

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average... which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”

“I have a lot of sympathy for young people because I realize how disturbed I was when I was that age.”

“According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases. So don't forget, guys: happy wife, healthy life.”

“If God had a sense of humor, he would have made the go-to drink of elite athletes sports beer.”

“You know the theory of the Great Man? The theory is that if you kill the Great Man, the guy who takes his place is usually so much worse.”

“Being a stand-up is my favorite thing to do.”

“A new study says that working fewer hours can make you happier. I don't know, I have a lot of friends that are unemployed and they're not happy at all.”

“A lot of people think that the Internet is an anonymous medium. It's not. It's the most accountable medium in the world.”