David Brenner

“I'm not a political comedian. I'm a social comedian.”

“My wife is a psychologist... Not my wife, my ex-wife. I have a Ph.D. in psychology. I would say I have a better understanding of people than she does.”

“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.”

“What was the best thing before sliced bread?”

“I just want to live until I die. I'm not obsessed with death, I'm obsessed with life.”

“Is it my imagination, or is the world going to shit?”

“When I was a kid, the bigger the guy, the more he was a hero. Now the bigger the guy, the more he is a steroid user.”

“The highlights of my childhood were making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.”

“Comedy is social commentary.”

“You can't be a comedian without being an observer.”

“I hate when people say, 'He's a nice person.' Nice is what you say when you have nothing else to say.”

“On his tombstone, the comedian wants this inscription: 'If this is a joke, I don't get it.'”