Bob Hope

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”

“I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.”

“I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

“If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.”

“I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.”

“When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.”

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”

“I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.”

“I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people who paint the Taj Mahal.”

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

“I love to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.”

“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.”

“She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.”

“I'm so old, they've cancelled my blood type.”

“My idea of a group of people is a guy and a girl.”