Ring Lardner

“The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.”

“'Shut up,' he explained.”

“Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.”

“A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.”

“The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.”

“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.”

“There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.”

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”

“All records are made to be broken.”

“I can't write a letter to my wife. My wife is either in the same room with me or in the next room. In either case, a letter would not be appropriate.”

“He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.”

“How can you write if you can't cry?”

“He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

“The rich are different from you and me. They have more credit.”