J. B. Morton

“The story of the Filthistan Trio, who played their zithers in a railway-carriage.”

“The old English custom of dancing on the village green is one of the oldest customs in the world. So is the old English custom of not dancing on the village green.”

“Prodnose: 'But what's the use of it?'”

“The Twelve True Grannies of Giggleswick.”

“The Trial of the Twelve Red-Bearded Dwarfs.”

“A record of the doings of a man who has devoted his life to a single purpose: the discovery of the North Pole. He did not discover it.”

“The legal mind is a mystery to the lay mind. The legal mind is a mystery to itself.”

“What is all this poppycock about the public wanting to know? The public doesn't want to know. It wants to be told.”

“A splendid new motor road will be built, running from just outside London to just inside London.”

“He was one of the Ugliest Men of All Time, and his name was Captain Foulenough.”

“Dr. Strabismus (whom God preserve) of Utrecht.”

“A man who has never been hungry may have many fine qualities, but he cannot know the meaning of gratitude.”