Finley Peter Dunne

“Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are idiots in asylums, who can't, and idiots in the cemetery, who are dead.”

“A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.”

“No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.”

“A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer.”

“The job of a newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”

“I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation, if I can get out an injunction.”

“Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.”

“Politics ain't bean-bag.”

“The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.”

“History is a post-mortem examination. It tells you what a country died of.”

“Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.”

“Trust everybody, but cut the cards.”

“The first duty of a newspaper is to be accurate. If it can't be accurate, it must be interesting.”

“The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better--it is just turning around as usual.”